Lifestyle

I’m sure we are all crawling into the indefinite lockdown. I had the mindset that new beginnings, new chapters and revival start in January. But knowing what I know now, the planning and aligning starts now, in the lockdown. Let’s face it 2020 has not been the girl we all thought it would be. Our travelling plans were discarded of months ago, our (well at least mine) trainers for that fitness resolution haven’t seen the light of day and it can be a little depressing thinking the second lockdown might end with not much being achieved. Fortunately for us with time at home comes some hope and some time to realign ourselves. Consider these subtle lifestyle changes to get your mind right for this year.

Mental health tip of the day: declutter and clean. Several studies have shown that clutter creates stress. It raises cortisol. It can effect focus and creativity. You don’t have to go all Marie Kondo, just a little sprucing goes a long way.

— BiancaWrites (@writesamswrite) January 16, 2021

Declutter 101

Decluttering is a therapeutic act that will get your mind right for the year. I’m sure you have heard the saying “cleanliness is next to godliness”. My own interpretation of that saying is that, when you have a clean, decluttered environment you are able to refocus your mind and set achievable goals for yourself. Now, I am no saint in the decluttering world, and I have a long way to go to achieve my ideal fung shui environment but these few tips have been helping me get there.

1.So to start off with you can pick a place that you really know needs some cleaning up. For me its always my bedside drawers, a lot of junk resides there so that’s where I would start.

2. See what you would like to keep and what needs to be thrown out. You can also make a ‘maybe’ pile. When weeding out the maybe pile try ask yourself if you really need whatever it is and you will never find something like it. If no…throw…it…out/give it away!

3. Phasing yourself is also a great idea for big projects like your house, wardrobe etc. You can find one item that you havent used in months each day. If you give away or throw out one item each day, in a year you have decluttered your life by 365 items.

I found a place where we could all sit. I was on time, as usual, so I twiddled on my phone while I waited for everyone to arrive. The live band was playing and the place was buzzing with people and excitement. I was distracted by the sultry guitar strings; I didn’t even notice Panashe had arrived. I jumped up and hugged her. It had been weeks since I had seen her.

Panashe was the person you pictured when someone said “free-spirit”. I was the shy, wall flower type but she was the life of the party. She was loud and unapologetic. I’m sure everyone has that friend who just turns heads. Her effervescent personality was contagious. She knew everyone or if she didn’t know you, you’d be best friends by the end of the night. Although I rarely got to see her because she was on an adventure every other weekend, the times we did meet up we knew we would have fun. She was always trying to get everyone together for drinks or a movie-hell she’d suggested we meet at the restaurant today. From the time we had met at a mutual friend’s party, I can truly say I had come out of my shell in strides. She sat down and ordered a drink, “Why are these girls always late?” she asked and we both laughed.

It wasn’t long till Samantha and Gamu arrived. Samantha and I had been friends forever, I can’t remember when we actually became close friends, it just happened. I believe everyone should have a Samantha at one point or another in their lives. She was understanding and trustworthy-my confidant. With all friendship groups there is always that one person you tell your deepest, darkest, embarrassing secrets to. Samantha was that friend. She always had a listening ear when I had to talk about my boy drama, my crazy African household or an annoying colleague. I was so grateful that she was in my life because despite all my terrible decision-making, she remained in my corner. I could depend on her. That’s not to say that she didn’t have her own problems, but she had taught me to be positive even when your house is on fire and there is no ZINWA.

I had met Gamu just a few months . But she was those people who grow on you and you have no control over it. She had older sibling vibes. That girl who just seemed to have her life in order. She had a good head on her shoulders and the best part is that she wasn’t afraid to motivate you to be the best version of yourself. She had done everything expected of us-gone to school, graduated and started working at a top company in the CBD. What I admired the most about her was that besides following the straight and narrow she had opened her own business and she was following her dreams. In so many ways, I admired her and I wanted to emulate her. There were occasions where I would run ideas past her and she would prod and poke holes in my plans-assisting me to modify what I had come up with. After she had showered me with a multitude of “you can do this” and “believe in yourself” I was planning on starting a little side hustle of my own.

So we sat and ordered drinks while we waited for the last of our little gang to join us. And as is the custom where women gather, conversation turned from the best boutiques to buy clothes to gossip. Samantha expressed her dismay in how an old friend only looked to her when she needed something-be it money, a dress to go out or a business favour. Panashe chimed in about toxic friends-the truth is good friends are hard to come by. At a certain age you realise that some friendships don’t serve you anymore and you have to let go.

Finally, Bongi arrived, late as usual with a detailed explanation about how she had woken up late and all her plans had been delayed. We all laughed, rolled our eyes and told her we were starving because of we had been gracious and waited for her. Bongi was the sweetest, kindest person-till you crossed her. She had a big heart and protected her friends fiercely. In life you need people you can call to a fight. You know how sometimes you want to confront your man about his cheating ways, she was the friend who would drive the getaway car and probably speak up for you when you couldn’t. I also appreciated her honesty. She would tell you the truth if you were making questionable money decisions or if you were compromising your self-worth for a man. Honesty and loyalty are qualities we all need in our friendships.

The chats continued well into the afternoon. I was so glad to be spending time with my friends finally.

Sadly it’s still Corona time and I just had to let my imagination run wild for International Friendship Day. The characters are completely made up but I have based them on some of the best friendships I’ve had in my life. I believe everyone should have:

A Panashe-someone who will push you out of your comfort zone, and make you enjoy life

A Samantha-someone who will keep your secrets, and comfort you in tough times

A Gamu-someone who motivates and inspires you to achieve the goals you put in place

A Bongi-someone who is brutally honest with you

Which friend do you think you are?

So apparently, there are several negative connotations when someone reveals they have taken the online dating path. Online dating is basically just that-getting to know someone, romantically, without physically meeting them. In the past, dating online was viewed as the last resort for the 35-plus ‘spinsters‘ who couldn’t find anyone in their dating pool and had to resort to the internet.

Of course, there is still resistance to going the online route, and with good reason-there are married men trying to get a girlfriend, cat-fishers (people who look like supermodels on their profiles but  look anything but in person) and predators on the internet. But if you are anything like me, a reserved lady of a certain age still living in a very African home, this might be a way to meet some interesting people.

1. Your profile is everything

Right! So you have decided to go online and meet some people. Your profile is everything on these sites. If you join Tinder its the only thing your potential matches get to see (just a picture and a little bit about yourself). That first impression is all he has to go on. In the few years I have been in the game I have seen some really interesting profiles. If you are really being genuine about making true connections a simple, friendly picture will do. It could be a picture of you doing something that interests you or a sweet selfie. The last thing you want to post is a filtered picture-it gets awkward on the first date when he can’t recognize you.

2. Be Ruthless With Your Choices

Your profile is up and running and you have met a few guys who seem intriguing. Off the bat you should be weeding out what you like and don’t like. Most websites sort of do it for you, you can communicate, exclusively with people you have shown interest in. I can’t stand shorthand, its a serious pet peeve, so as soon as someone greets me with a “Hi hw u duin?”, I’m unfriending, or unmatching, or blocking. One problem we have as women is that we have been conditioned to be nice and sometimes we are forced into entertaining advances when we really aren’t interested. But when you are online you don’t have to keep a conversation going, or keep up pretenses.

3. You must Investigate

A huge issue various people complain about with online dating is that people love to lie! Trust me, I have seen married people on these websites and it pains me. It’s fine in the initial stages of getting to know each other for conversations to be carefree, but at some point BEFORE you catch feelings please do some digging. Usually you have just a first name and a face to go by so you can ask friends if they have heard of your person of interest. If you are on Tinder (where most people are just looking for a good time) you could sift through profiles, usually men who pay for the passport are on the more serious side.  I personally recommend meeting the person relatively early on too. Firstly, you can establish if the profile matches the person and secondly you’ll see if you are wasting your time. Sometimes sparks are fling online and then you meet and its a sad disaster. Meeting in a public place the first few times is also essential. There are creeps out there so you want to weed out the “Babe, let’s Netflix at my place” types. Although the experience might be thrilling, you always have to remember to keep yourself safe.

4. Never Compromise Yourself

Stick to your values. It sounds obvious to say stick to your values and all but when you are busy texting a love interest sometimes you get carried away. Have you met girls who then regret sending the guy nudes, or lending an online bae money that she is never going to get back?  That’s what you need to avoid! In some cases its a form of grooming. Be careful of people who try to isolate you from your friends and family, it begins with an innocent friendship so be on your guard.