Parenting

I’m here to tell you the things other single mom’s wouldn’t dare share. Of course I won’t be able to squeeze everything into this one post because there’s a lot goinyon on this side of the tracks.

Deadbeat dads have created a mental health epidemic

Single moms have too much responsibility, things slip through the cracks, and kids absorb their mom's stress

And, they’re missing the extra love and support of a 2nd parent

Men… don’t do this to a child

— Miranda ✨ (@mir_and_a) June 29, 2021

Let’s get in to it shall we. Full disclosure, this is my experience and this is my story to share. Some mom’s may or may not relate to it and that’s okay because results may vary when it comes to parenting alone. I’m so sorry to those of you who can relate and kudos to those of you who can’t because WOW life no go balance.

After I gave birth to my daughter the real work began having to look after this tiny human and to make sure that she was well provided for and loved. It sounds easy but it’s not, not when you’re dealing with post partum depression.

Sometimes I wonder if there are support groups for new moms (or any type of moms) here, a safe space where they can discuss issues like post partum depression, dealing with breastfeeding, hormones, mood swings, missing their old lives and not getting judged…hmmnn, I wonder

— Ibukunoluwa (@abiolabada5) August 17, 2022

For those of you who don’t know post partum depression I’ll explain it to you in layman’s terms. Post partum depression is a complex mix of physical, emotional and behavioral changes that happen in some women after giving birth. I was battling with depression and it didn’t help that I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone around me. I was absolutely terrified about opening up. I mean there’s already a stigma about mental health what more just after giving birth. People expect you to be excited and over the moon but child birth takes a toll considering I delivered my child all by myself no friends, no family just the mid wife, nurse and I. It takes a toll.

@mandombathanut

@port_06

♬ original sound – Zamaswazi shabalala

On top of that there are quite a number of people who’ll use the single mum card just to get to you. Uyathethiswa (you’re insulted) for a man leaving you. I mean I’m already going through the emotions of carrying out this parenting thing without a partner, insults are a sure fire way to drive you off the edge. There’s so much emotional backlash and don’t get me started on the dress code. Apparently mum’s are supposed to dress a certain way. I wonder if dads get the same treatment.

Pple shld normalize dressing like moms

— Thatgirl♥️ (@Teethatgirl1) June 29, 2022

Then we go on to the subject of dating, boy is this one complicated. Fortunately for me, I have an understanding partner who gets the fact that I’m not looking for someone to fill in the daddy role or take up responsibilities and duties. I mean he insists and that’s great but it’s not always the case for other women. Some men feel entitled to you being with them because they do certain things and I think that’s tricky, imagine he turns abusive or cheats and suddenly, “you can’t leave me, not after everything I’ve done for you and your child!” Excuse me? Or the fact that a man can pretend to be everything you want and hope for only for him to show his true colours down the line in to your relationship. There’s also a breed of men who believe single mothers are ‘used’ or ‘damaged goods’ somehow. These men believe that single mothers are the rejected women with lowered standards after being disappointed by another man. The truth is actually the exact opposite.

Nobody chooses to become a single mother. You don’t think that a man you were in love with would turn around and flee. There’s no sign whatsoever that he is a deadbeat prior to you having his child. Trying to reconcile this, mentally and emotionally, sometimes in the thick of the pregnancy is horrific. Unfortunately with deadbeat dads the pudding is in the tasting. You only see them for what they truly are after the child is already on the way.

It’s tricky all round, especially for women, so before you judge single mums like they asked for any of this, take several seats and keep your unwarranted opinion to yourself. If you are really feeling froggy, you can leap at all the deadbeat dads who made the mothers single in the first place. This might come as a shocker but yes, a man was there too.

@..nona..98

#fypシ #nona98

♬ original sound – jannetkuretu

After going through a series of stories about Gender Based Violence, nothing strikes my conscience more than the stinking realisation that most African families overlook Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation. How many times have you read or heard of families concealing rape by a relative(s)? Sometimes, women bear the brunt of keeping the family unit together, even if it means having to undergo sleepless nights and keeping the “mystery” from the public eye. Most women that protect child perpetrators do it so as to…

Protect the marriage union

Yes, marriage is seemingly an achievement in many homes and for African families, the obsession is just too real, which is leaving most women vulnerable to the act. I once read an article in which a woman’s 16 year daughter was impregnated by her 30 year old niece, and in order to keep the family unit “intact”, she had to conceal this act. The child had to live with the reality that her child is a product of rape, teenage pregnancy and incest, up until she mastered the courage to speak out later on in life. Why? Simply because mum wanted to save her marriage and look like “a good sister.” One question that comes to my mind is: Are women so desperate to stay married up to an extent of brushing under the carpet a hideous deed perpetrated against a child by the father/brother/uncle/aunt/a family friend? Until women realise that marriage isn’t a prison sentence or an open field where any Tom, Dick and Harry can take advantage of innocent children, rape by relatives will certainly continue.

To avoid public humiliation

Nothing breaks my heart more than coming to the realisation that most victims of rape live to endure the vivid memories of sexual abuse and exploitation simply because, “Mummy and daddy didn’t want to undergo public disgrace and shaming.” Now wait a minute… is child safety and protection something that two grown adults need to give a second thought about? If a family member or close friend abuses your child, run straight to the Police or Courts and make your voice heard. The scar rape leaves is something an individual is forced to carry for their whole life. No amount of social dignity and good societal standing surpasses a victim’s justice. If you were concealing an abuse which is currently undergoing in your family just because of pat talk or in the name of, “People know me”, do yourself a favour… Simply let go of your personal pride, and claim justice for your child.

What will people say?

Many people have forsaken their justice and opportunities to liberal lives due to this very question… Injustice and unfairness in life stems from an internal conflict of seeking to please people at your own expense. Think of it all this way: the very people who will say something negative when you gather the courage to speak out against a child’s rape are the same people who were concealing it from you. Under no circumstance should you let external forces determine your decision-making abilities. Rape is rape, be it against a minor or an adult. So, the moment your mind starts playing hide-and-seek with you, just do the right thing: follow your heart and report that perpetrator! Rape is a crime, and nobody should ever think twice when it comes to reporting a child offender.

What’s your issue with single mums?

Child Rape and Sexual Abuse: The Unspoken Concern…