Category:

Relationships

I was on Twitter when I bumped into a tweet about how full figured women struggle with being naked during sex. I had never considered this or thought about it because I’ve just always had my body issues even though I’m not exactly full figured but I did some research on the matter and I have thoughts.

Yeah, this one is for my b- with a fat a- in the f- club like a Nicki Minaj song

When we speak about fat shaming we hardly ever discuss some of the fat shaming that happens in terms of the bedroom. This is usually so embarrassing that the scars and the repercussions of it are hidden away in the women’s psyche, in her self-esteem and in her memory. The fatshaming that happens online goes straight to their self-esteem and the insecurities start to show up in the bedroom. Now women are unable to be comfortable in their own naked skin with another person in the room just because of your horrible tweets.

I had a friend of mine ask me if she if I thought she smells bad and I was like why would you think you smell bad? Why would you ask me that? And she said it’s because of the general stereotype that fat women stink. And I was like no you don’t smell bad and I’m sorry that this affected you so much that you felt you should come and seek clarification about how you smell.

Sex is for everyone except children. The fact that we hardly ever see love scenes even in just general movies that include bigger women is disturbing. This says a lot about the lack of representation for full figured women. I think it’s rooted in the flawed ideology that big women are lazy, they don’t exercise and you automatically assume that they won’t be active in bed just because they’re bigger. Contrary to your inflammatory beliefs, there are a wide range of reasons why a woman would be bigger and laziness is not even the top reason. There are big women that are more fit than skinny girls.

We see the #ThickThighsSaveLives but we forget that thick thighs can come with rolls, pot belly and flab. The problem here is that too many people have been brainwashed by the slimthick Instagram baddies who have risked their lives to get plastic surgery for those impossible, improper-fraction, disproportionate body features. In the lyrics of Big Sean, “how your waist anorexic but yet your ass is colossal?” Yes, how Sway? Normal women can’t have their cake and eat it. They can’t afford plastic surgery. Why slam them for it?

 

If you find yourself in bed with someone who you can’t get naked with, he is not the one Sis. Sex is about being free and vulnerable. You won’t enjoy it if you are caught up in your insecurities. Find yourself someone who appreciates you for who you are. He is not doing you a favour by having sex with you. Let him know it’s an honor and a privilege to be in your presence. A pot belly still gives good loving.

The exclusion of big women from the sex industry also seeps into the lingerie industry. Miriam C. R. Mushaikwa blogged about it here. It is laborious to try and find lingerie for bigger women. It’s almost as if they don’t exist or they don’t like nice things.

What can you do?

If you’re a fuller bodied queen, and you’ve been struggling with your body, I’m sorry you had to go through that turmoil. You are beautiful. As you try to conquer your issues, try and spend more time looking at your naked self in the mirror. Make peace with who you are and appreciate all your wonder. Once you master this, no one can take your peace from you. You can also start journaling to make sense of your limiting beliefs. Journaling helps you to get to the bottom of your self-esteem issues. Write about some of the slurs that you’ve heard, how did they make you feel? Bury that hatchet and create new positive affirmations to replace the limiting beliefs.

 

 

 

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A lot of women and girls see marriage as some sort of emancipation. This stems from fairytale storylines about true love’s first kiss and living happily ever after thereafter. The truth is, marriage isn’t the freedom you think it is. It’s an intensification of all the things you thought you were running away from in your father’s house.

Quick question, why are we trying to be free from our parents’ houses so badly?

Young women are hardly afforded the opportunity to live by themselves before marriage. Some are even told that, “the only way you will leave this house is by marriage.” It’s almost as if a woman cannot be her own master. Even in the Bible, an unmarried woman must concern herself with the things of the Lord, when she marries, she must prioritise the things of her husband. You can’t catch a break to just be yourself. From being under her father she can only be passed onto being under her husband. In between the two, women need to experience life by themselves and they are not afforded that opportunity. This is why marriage isn’t as great as they’d like it to be.

Sexual emancipation

I’ve seen a tweet from a young woman who claimed she can’t wait to get married so that she may enjoy ‘legal sex.’ While it is legal, there’s a wide range of issues that come along with it. This is where you find out why so many married men are out in the streets with extra marital affairs. “When I get married, I’ll have sex everyday,” oh poor baby. Remember when you couldn’t wait to be an adult? How’s that working out for you?

Financial emancipation

Getting married does not automatically grant you access to his money. Maintance Court is based on this premise entirely. You could marry a rich man who is stingy. You can also marry a man who spends his whole paycheck at the pub/shebeen with his friends. There is a reason why money is one of the top three causes of divorce. The assured financial benefits of marriage are the bride price/lobola/roora which you will not get a single red cent of. Be wary of which voices are pressuring you into marriage, they may have financially vested interests which trump your best interests.

Spiritual Emancipation

If a woman is unmarried in her mid-thirties, the family will see it as a cause for concern and start a witch hunt for the underlying cause. Between pastors and witchdoctors, they have seen more prayers for marriage than for salvation and repentance. Unlike Disney princesses, marriage will not solve any of your issues, spiritual or otherwise. If an evil stepmother has cast a spell on you for being the fairest in the land, you will go into the marriage with those problems. Marriage is not a curse-breaker in any way, shape or form.

There’s a freedom that women are yearning for and it’s not found in marriage. You are tired of sharing your room with your siblings? In marriage, you will share your bed forever. You’re looking for your own sovereignty without yout parents but guess what? Marriage means that you now have 2 sets of parents to report to. The dishes you hated to do at your mom’s house, you now have to do them for all family functions which do not have professional catering. As the family sits kwejisaring by the dinner table, guess where you are, by the sink washing dishes. Enjoy your wedding day, it’s the first and last time you will enjoy the limelight, thereafter it’s the background for you by the sink or by the fire.

 

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