Motivational

Getting started with goal-setting

by Chipo
written by Chipo

We have heard all the tips and tricks about setting our goals and how we must see them through. Many motivation speeches have been laid out about setting goals. But, do we agree that setting goals and following them through all the way to achieving them are different things?

It is easy to come up with a list of things we want to achieve, but not so easy to go through with them. As we go on, we will realise that most of them tend to be unachievable, leaving us with tones of unfinished business on our to-do-lists. There are easy steps that may help cure this issue. Below are a few things to consider when setting your goals. You may take them all, or what seems to work for you.

How important is your goal?

It is easy to keep up with things we feel are useful or important to us. When a goal or task see to be unimportant, it is easily brushed off or left to be done at another time. Meaning, it can be easily buried under procrastination. But is you set clear goals and have some level of importance attached to it, it becomes easy and motivating to keep it going.

Are you emotionally attached to your goal?

Emotional attachment also helps you determine the importance of what you want to achieve. You can start by asking yourself questions like, how will achieving this goal make you feel? It is easy for people to work on things that are mean to bring them happiness or boost their confidence with time. Take for example when someone is on their weight-loss journey. They manage to work-out their way to ideal weight because they have emotional attachment to their program.

Is it meant to change or improve your life?

It is natural to always want to change one or all aspects of your life. Change is the one goal we are almost all chasing. Setting your goals with a positive change in mind gives you something to look forward to. When a specific goal is meant to bring some development, it tends to bring excitement that drives and motivates you.

Is your goal reasonable and achievable?

We often shoot ourselves in the foot by setting unreasonable goals that are almost impossible to achieve. A reasonable goal is one that you know you are capable of doing. You cannot set a goal of buying a car when you are financially incapacitated. Examples of reasonable goals span from finishing a project you are already working on or starting a project and you know you have the resources and knowledge needed to work on it.

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Career

The good thing about co-working spaces

by Chipo
written by Chipo

Co-working spaces are the new norm and they are booming across the globe. Entrepreneurs and creatives altogether now prefer co-working spaces, also known as hub spaces instead of acquiring an office for their business. They are favouring these setups for the convenience they provide as they are supposed to be cost effective in the long run.

You can find hubs that offer spaces to let for the day, week, month or even night. Anything that suits your terms and standards of work. There are also spaces for workshops, meetings, office desks, and even storage spaces for your equipment.

Co-working spaces are cost effective. You only use and pay rent for an office/desk when you need it. The very purpose of a co-working space is to provide start-ups with the benefit of only paying for the space they need. You could be in need of a conference area for a day, or a plug-and-play area for your writing or design tools, or you could be a solo-preneur planning to build your team over time. For some entrepreneurs, they will only need a pick and drop location for their client orders. Nothing can work better than a hub space for this kind of setup.

It helps in making good networks and helps in getting new clients. Exchanging ideas and skills is the integral part of the freelancing culture. Knowing fellow creatives and what they do can also help you easily find collaborators on bigger projects where one needs help. In a co-working space you will also have the opportunity to work alongside other entrepreneurs who will sharpen your skills. One can even have the opportunity to sign new clients within the hub space for the services you provide.

Working in a hub helps to ensure that work-life and home life is balanced. We live in a fast paced world. It becomes difficult to find the correct balance between work and home life balance. This is especially in relation to those who work from home. It is easy to set up a home office, but even more difficult to set boundaries for office hours and family time.

Productivity and creativity is increased when you rent in a co-working space. Working amongst peers and colleagues makes the workload easier. Working from a hub space brings in a spirit of collaboration. When working from home, it is easy for things to get stale as you are set in your ways. In a co-working space you are given the freedom to explore your creativity with the resources availed to you. It perfects the balance between working from home and working with others.

It may even allow you to pick additional skills you would not have acquired on your own. The benefits of interacting with others are endless. You get a chance to learn from them and learn with them. With co-working spaces, you get the chance to interact with people from other specialities and professions and this will expand your ability to think outside the box. A hub space is a pool of all kinds of start-ups that will benefit you in upskilling and trying new things.

With more people finding work in a digital space, the need for work life balance and separate office space from home has become popular. Some digital nomads find it difficult to work in a home office and a co-working space for freelancers and entrepreneurs can help solve this problem.

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Health & FitnessMotivationalRelationshipsSelf Development

Is your cup full, before you pour into others?

by Chipo
written by Chipo

Growing up we used to have a clap-back for the boys who would tout at us. “Usuzithande waqeda yini usuzothanda mina?”, meaning “have you loved yourself enough before you decided to love me?”. Back then, it was just us telling the boys to “buzz off!”. But, as we grew older and looking back at it now, we realise there was more meaning to it than we realised. This was not just a simple question, and it raises so many questions and meaning into it. Do you love yourself enough to know you can love someone else? Do you care for yourself enough to know you have enough care for others? Before you pour into others, is your cup full?

Time and again, life lessons have proven to us that you cannot give what you do not have, nor act upon something, when your energy is depleted. The same applies to personal relationships. Building a healthy relationship requires you to be healthy yourself in the first place. You cannot take care of others, while you also need care for yourself. The phrase “you cannot pour from an empty cup” has a lot to do with self care. If anything, it should be the first rule when it comes to building and maintaining relationships. Take care of yourself first, before you can take care of others. The same goes in love. You cannot love others when you do not love yourself.

When you are depleted you cannot offer our best selves to the world. You have to be mindful of our own needs and ensure that you are taking care of ourselves first. This means taking time for self-care, getting enough rest and eating a healthy diet. It also means taking time for the things you enjoy, such as spending time with friends and family or engaging in hobbies.

It is also important to recognise when you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed. This can be a sign that you are in need of some self-care and it is important to take the time to focus on your own needs. When things get overwhelming and you cannot seem to catch up with your own self, take a break from what demands the most of you. Disconnect from the hustle and bustle of life, and catch your breath. This will help you reset and restore your personal energy. It does not have to cost you so much.

The most important to remember is that you cannot give what you do not have. Unless you refill what has been depleted, you cannot continue giving. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to make sure to take care of yourself so that you can give your best to the world. Besides, how will you know how to love and care for others, when you do not know how to do it to yourself? Unless, if you are toxic.

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Health & Fitness

How to Maintain the 8 Pillars of Wellness

by Thembi Terry
written by Thembi Terry

There are eight pillars of wellness, so when you’re thinking of self-care Sunday ideas, take all 8 into consideration and make sure none of them are lagging behind. These pillars include: physical, nutritional, emotional, social, spiritual, intellectual, financial, and environmental. Some of these, you’re probably attending to already without knowing that they are part of becoming a better you.

Here are a few questions to help you assess or improve your pillars of wellness.

Physical

This includes how well the body that houses you is functioning. Are you exercising? Are you looking good? Do you have a skin care routine? Do you need to learn how to apply makeup? When you look good, you feel good. What does your grooming routine entail? How often does your grooming routine need to be conducted? Are you sleeping enough?

Nutritional

Are you drinking enough water? Do you have a meal plan? Are you giving the body the rights foods that it needs for fuel? Are you avoiding foods that you know aren’t good for you? For example, if you’re lactose intolerant, are you staying away from dairy? Are you taking your multi-vitamins? You can keep a food diary to help you keep track of any foods that don’t agree with you.

Emotional

Can you identify and sort through your feelings? Do you have coping mechanisms in place for days when you are emotionally distraught? What helps to improve your mood? Do you have people to talk to? Do you have a journal that you update regularly? If you need professional help, do you know where to find it?

Social

Do you have a healthy support network of friends and family? Are you happy with your network? Are you able to be yourself around those closest to you? Are the communication lines clear and open? How often do you check in with your support network? Are you giving to the relationships as much as you are taking? Are you good to them in return?

Spiritual

Do you believe in a Higher Power? Is the Higher Power that you believe in coming through for you? What are some of the spiritual practices required? How often do you need to conduct these spiritual practices? Do you experience supernatural peace when you interact with your Higher Power? Are you spiritually well fed and satisfied without anything lacking?

Intellectual

How are you stimulating your mind? Are you learning  new skills to add to your CV? What are your hobbies? Do you read to learn new things? Do you have a hunger to learn more? Do you have a mentor? Are you following thought leaders in your field on social media? Do you have any brain stimulating games on your phone?

Financial

Are you keeping track of your finances? Are you financially disciplined? Do you have a budget? How many streams of income do you have without compromising your general health? What are some harmful misconceptions that you have about finances? How much do you need to make a month to live comfortably? Do you need to pay black tax?

Environmental

Have you cleaned your room/house? Do you stay in a safe neighbourhood? Is there a neighbourhood watch? Do you have decent neighbours? In case of emergency, what are the community protocols? How far do you stay from essentials such as shops, schools, the police and a hospital? How long do you have to commute to work? Are the bare necessities (water, electricity) available? Are you in the community group chat/forums?

To be fully well, you need to develop healthy habits around the 8 pillars of wellness. This will make you happier and healthier. These questions are just to help you get started on your wellness journey. You can change, add and edit to suit your lifestyle. The key is to master yourself and improve the quality of your life.

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Relationships

Mental health vs toxic family: Easier said than done!

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

Do you have a family member that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth?

Does being around insufferable Aunt Sheila leave you feeling emotionally drained?

Are you tired of being the bigger person because that’s just how “so and so” is?

Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions then you’ve come to the right place.

Step 1 – Grow up with a toxic family

Step 2 – Move out and start a new family

I couldn’t help but pepper in a bit of dark humour. On a more serious note I do hope this piece offers some comfort if you are burdened with a dysfunctional family.

What toxic family members may look like?

You know that gripping fear you get when you receive a phone call from that one family member because you know whatever it is will turn into a colossal argument that will leave you miserable for at least a month? I am pleased to report you are not the only one.

  • They believe they are above reproach – Toxic family members believe rules don’t apply to them and they can say whatever they want to you regardless of how vicious or unkind it could be.
  • Inability/failure to apologize – They are always right and you are always well, not.
  • Constant thirst for drama – They thrive off sowing conflict between family members.
  • Serial gas lighters – They make you feel bad about feeling bad in other words you should not take offense when they say anything offensive. They believe the hurtful things they say, “build character”.

Speaking of things that are detrimental to your mental well-being, take my family for example:

“If I never see her again, I will be overjoyed, she is a filthy pig, it is a possibility that she is bewitched, she is a completely useless individual who will amount to nothing”.

This is an extract from an email I received from my uncle, after I resigned from the “family business”. Following this incident, I was told that he said all these things out of love. So that’s how we are justifying name calling and bullying these days. I guess I can’t call it emotional abuse because we share blood. I mean he did get me a pair of socks last Christmas so he is incapable of being a toxic human being.

I am in no way trying to throw shade at my relative but this is just to show how some families like mine are guilty of enabling problematic behaviour and dubbing it all sorts of nonsensical things like care and love.

Do you know where the danger is?

If you don’t heal from scars emanating from your family you end up becoming just like them. Worst case scenario you carry the hurt like daggers in your heart slowly chipping away at your happiness.

How to choose your mental health over family

Unfortunately, there’s no amount of therapy in the world that could change a toxic family member. However, you can ensure whatever they do ricochets off you.

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence.” – Robert Frost

  • Create boundaries – put your needs above theirs. It is your right to protect your peace.
  • Limit contact – They can’t hurt you if they do not have access to you.
  • Do not engage – This is probably the hardest thing to do as it requires a lot of restraint but with enough practice you can learn to tune out all the vile things said to you.
  • Create a solid support system – Blood is supposedly thicker than water but sometimes it isn’t, lean on your friend groups, get a puppy, whatever is it that brings you an inkling of refuge, do it
  • Evaluate their value in your life – if it calls for it, cut them off completely especially if they are violent or threaten your life

Take away

“A toxic person is the product of a toxic environment themselves” – there is nothing wrong with you, how they feel about you is not a reflection of who you are.

If you or a friend are in this predicament You are not alone and I’m sorry you do not feel safe around people you’d expect to have your back. You can create your own tribe that isn’t connected to you by blood. Do not let them see you sweat You do not have to deal with their venomous personalities despite the amount of times you are reminded of your blood ties. They can still be your brother or your cousin from the curb. You do not need permission from anyone to put yourself first.

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Relationships

The importance of fostering healthy female friendships

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

Don’t you just hate it when you are spilling your guts out to your best friend and then the very next day, they’ve blocked you?

No warning, nothing.

Like you meant so little to them you weren’t even worth an explanation.

I think I know where it stems from. I’ve narrowed it down to a couple of things which will be scattered throughout this lengthy blog post.

Why I think female friendships are important:

Ever wondered why women live longer than men?…you guessed it! I’m kidding please do not quote me on that it is definitely not scientifically proven.

  • They allow you to be vulnerable – Women are social creatures, we love having people we can rely on. We love going on and on about that guy we’ve been texting or the new job we just got or the fancy apartment we just moved into.
  • Free emotional support system – Nothing beats having someone to share similar life experiences with i.e., post grad blues, unemployment or financial dependency (if you are in your mid-twenties, you will probably relate)
  • Improve your quality of life – Sincere and supportive female friends are the must have accessory for boosting your self-esteem in a society that prospers from women hating how they look.

What the internet tells us:

Cut off culture is disguised as “self-love” and claims to promote peace of mind but in all honestly the internet just loves a good cat fight otherwise they’d be nothing to tweet about.

  • “You don’t owe anyone anything not even an explanation” – Please just stop. Queens of our calibre know how to communicate without being malicious and strive for conflict resolution in friendships.
  • “Female relationships are not like romantic relationships” – Yes, they are. They require mutual effort. Schedule those phone calls, show genuine interest in their lives, ask about their well-being, reassure them where necessary, celebrate their accomplishments. The world is filled with so much uncertainty as it is you do not need that in your friendships
  • “You don’t need anyone besides yourself” – We celebrate women who act like men, the ones that topple each other to get to the top. How can we rule the world if we’ve torn each other to shreds?

Did someone ask for a story time?

Nothing beats the loss of a female friend, heck I’ve lost three. Its heart wrenching when you’ve known someone your whole life and suddenly you don’t know how to reach them. Because I never got a chance to say any of these things to each of them, I’d like to take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest…

Dearest best friend(s)

I hate how one sided our friendship had become, how you made everything about yourself and never stopped to ask how I was doing. I hate that you still entertain my exes. I hate that you post the most hurtful things on your statuses after we argue. Most of all I hate how you did not defend me when I wasn’t around. I hate how you didn’t notice when I cried at work. I hate how you chose a guy over me, the same guy that violated me. I hate how I couldn’t be myself around you anymore for fear that you’d derail the conversation and make it about you. I hate how you think I stopped caring. I hate how you think I believe I am free of blame, more than anything I hate that I still love you, I just don’t know how to talk you.

Your ex-best friend

What the internet doesn’t tell us:

  • The most painful thing about being ghosted by a friend is that you have to invent a reason for them leaving which in most cases is more hurtful than the actual reason.
  • Friendships should not remain stagnant. Learn to grow, evolve and progress with your friends. You can’t be upset at a friend for not picking up their phone when there are demanding jobs, spouses, children, heck maybe they just didn’t have the energy to talk
  • Avoid involving third parties in your squabbles this includes posting subs on your WhatsApp status. You don’t need advice from your mother to tell you how to fix a situation she was not involved in. Talk to your friend directly, don’t cut corners. Sibadala!!!

Tough pills to swallow

  • If they make it clear that they want nothing to do with you its time to move on
  • It’s easy to blame the other person, Start taking accountability and sharing your side of the blame.
  • You don’t understand your own emotions and triggers as a result you end up losing someone important because you don’t spend enough time with yourself and ask the hard questions i.e., why did I react like that? Have I eaten? Is this trauma from a previous relationship? Is there a better way to convey my emotions in future?
  • We have shallow relationships with our girlfriends. We want our friendships to be a fairy-tale but that’s not realistic. You will fight, you will have different pov’s, that’s normal. Don’t let the internet tell you otherwise. We are not meant to be clones of our friends otherwise you wouldn’t need them to begin with.

Queens should stick together. Let’s fight the patriarchy sis. There’s nothing in this world that can’t be solved with open communication and having both parties actively work towards addressing any issues. We can accomplish so much by doing away with the cattiness, I implore you to start building long lasting friendships that leave you feeling fulfilled and empowered.

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Parenting

What’s your issue with single mums?

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

I’m here to tell you the things other single mom’s wouldn’t dare share. Of course I won’t be able to squeeze everything into this one post because there’s a lot goinyon on this side of the tracks.

​Let’s get in to it shall we. Full disclosure, this is my experience and this is my story to share. Some mom’s may or may not relate to it and that’s okay because results may vary when it comes to parenting alone. I’m so sorry to those of you who can relate and kudos to those of you who can’t because WOW life no go balance.

After I gave birth to my daughter the real work began having to look after this tiny human and to make sure that she was well provided for and loved. It sounds easy but it’s not, not when you’re dealing with post partum depression.

For those of you who don’t know post partum depression I’ll explain it to you in layman’s terms. Post partum depression is a complex mix of physical, emotional and behavioral changes that happen in some women after giving birth. I was battling with depression and it didn’t help that I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone around me. ​I was absolutely terrified about opening up. I mean there’s already a stigma about mental health what more just after giving birth. People expect you to be excited and over the moon but child birth takes a toll considering I delivered my child all by myself no friends, no family just the mid wife, nurse and I. It takes a toll.

@mandombathanut

@port_06

♬ original sound – Zamaswazi shabalala

​On top of that there are quite a number of people who’ll use the single mum card just to get to you. Uyathethiswa (you’re insulted) for a man leaving you. I mean I’m already going through the emotions of carrying out this parenting thing without a partner, insults are a sure fire way to drive you off the edge. There’s so much emotional backlash and don’t get me started on the dress code. Apparently mum’s are supposed to dress a certain way. I wonder if dads get the same treatment.

​Then we go on to the subject of dating, boy is this one complicated. Fortunately for me, I have an understanding partner who gets the fact that I’m not looking for someone to fill in the daddy role or take up responsibilities and duties. I mean he insists and that’s great but it’s not always the case for other women. Some men feel entitled to you being with them because they do certain things and I think that’s tricky, imagine he turns abusive or cheats and suddenly, “you can’t leave me, not after everything I’ve done for you and your child!” Excuse me? Or the fact that a man can pretend to be everything you want and hope for only for him to show his true colours down the line in to your relationship. There’s also a breed of men who believe single mothers are ‘used’ or ‘damaged goods’ somehow. These men believe that single mothers are the rejected women with lowered standards after being disappointed by another man. The truth is actually the exact opposite.

Nobody chooses to become a single mother. You don’t think that a man you were in love with would turn around and flee. There’s no sign whatsoever that he is a deadbeat prior to you having his child. Trying to reconcile this, mentally and emotionally, sometimes in the thick of the pregnancy is horrific. Unfortunately with deadbeat dads the pudding is in the tasting. You only see them for what they truly are after the child is already on the way.

It’s tricky all round, especially for women, so before you judge single mums like they asked for any of this, take several seats and keep your unwarranted opinion to yourself. If you are really feeling froggy, you can leap at all the deadbeat dads who made the mothers single in the first place. This might come as a shocker but yes, a man was there too.

@..nona..98

#fypシ #nona98

♬ original sound – jannetkuretu

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Relationships

MAYDAY MAYDAY!I Have Post Coital Dysphoria

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

Will somebody please call an ambulance! Actually wait, I forgot to introduce myself, hie I’m La Louve and I suffer from post coital dysphoria or at least I used to. Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD) is also known as Post Coital Tristesse in France (I’m kidding, I have no idea what they call it in France however triste is French for sad, anyway I digress).

PCD entails being engulfed by sheer sadness and despair after testing the mattress (okay so my definition is a little over the top but it got your attention, didn’t it?) Moving on, it is usually attributed to a dip in hormones (i.e. oxytocin – the love hormone) after a sexual activity. I guess you could compare it to the aftermath of a sugar rush, you know coming off a high. It includes but is not limited to irritability, sadness, crying, and feeling like you’ve been “used” sound familiar?

So why does it happen?

The reasons differ from person to person but they may include:

  • Personal values, religious beliefs, etc.
  • One’s feelings about sex i.e. embarrassment, anxiety and even paranoia, this could cause you to feel vulnerable and restless afterwards,
  • One’s feelings about their partner perhaps you want to be more than just casual lovers (?)
  • Unrealistic expectations about sex (You’ve been watching too much Fifty Shades haven’t you?). On a serious note, if you envisioned rose petals and eye contact only to end up with huffing and puffing, zero eye contact and an Uber waiting for you outside when you are done well that could be quite disheartening

Prevention? Cure?

You didn’t think I was just going to dump all of this on you and not give you a way out did you?

  • Self-introspection – this involves digging deep and asking yourself why you feel the way you do: religious reasons perhaps? Did the act trigger past trauma?
  • Physical check-up – Ask yourself if you feel safe, have you been hurt in any way?
  • Open Communication – is there anything your partner can do to make you feel better? Is there somewhere else you would rather be? Is there anything you need? a bagel? a cuddle?
  • Sexual Aftercare – this is perhaps the most important bit when it comes to love making.

Sexual aftercare is checking in with your partner after consensual intercourse, it involves:

  • Pillow talk – it is said that it builds an emotional connection after a primarily physical activity,
  • Replenishing your body with fluids – water break anyone?
  • Solitude – being alone with your thoughts and emotions might be what you need depending on what works for you.

Side bar – Aftercare originated from the BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism) community but applies to everyone who has sex and yes masturbation counts too. If you feel sad after finger painting clears throat or making it snow (if you know you know and if you don’t, you’re definitely too young to be reading this) try putting on your favourite comedy or watching a YouTube video or even snuggling up with a cup of hot cocoa. Aftercare is different for everyone and for some people aftercare is the best part of the entire experience.

That’s it from me folks, boink responsibly!

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Career

The Plight of This Unfocused Youth

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

I often hear people talking about how unfocused the youth are and how we don’t put in enough effort to look for work or piece jobs and I’m baffled because I mean who doesn’t want their own money ? Who doesn’t like nice things? Nice things require money, you don’t just get money you earn it. How do you earn it? Get a job! Sounds easy doesn’t it?

​Now finding the job of it, that’s another story. I’ve worked four jobs two out of four of them l got through what they call “connections.” Fortunately for me, my friends helped me get in, the other two were by my own merit but not everyone has a connection or a way in. For example I have a good friend of mine she bagged two degrees all the way from South Africa and she’s back in Zim working a job that has nothing to do with anything she studied. It’s quite disheartening, you go to university and do your best only to come back home to nothing. Then parents make it seem like we’re not serious about work and the likes.

​I’ve applied and responded to almost every advert I’ve come across, qualified or unqualified. I mean it doesn’t hurt to shoot your shot right? Sometimes I don’t even get a response back but at least I’m trying. This is depressing and it causes one to feel useless and some people turn to alcohol and substance abuse which is really awful because it’s destroying the generation. Remember an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

​The only solutions I can think of as a youth is to come up with a side hustle, let your side hustle make you money until you find a main hustle (a job.) You don’t always need capital for example my sister taught me how to make mats when I was in grade school. Just get a saka (sack) then cut you old clothing, bed sheets or cloths into strips, get a nail or crocheting needle and then prick holes in to it lining the cloth on top and using the nail/needle to pole holes to pull the material through or buy goods from the market and put your own mark up and sell to make profit. I know some people changing money and using their influence to make money. It’s very clear to see that no one is coming to save us, we cannot look to anybody else to solve our problems, we are our own solution. All the best in finding your hustle today!

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Fashion & Style

Let Children Wear What They Want at Home

by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe
written by Girl Grandeur Zimbabwe

Greetings dearest fashion police, we kindly ask that you stop policing children on what they should or shouldn’t wear in the comfort of their homes. The dictionary definition of a child according to the Merriam Webster dictionary is “a young person especially between infancy and puberty”.

Growing up, did you ever have to suffer the stern looks from your mothers and aunts after you wore shorts or a skirt (THEY BOUGHT YOU)? Do you recall hearing things like “ugqokeni kanti?” (What on earth are you wearing?) or my personal favourite “What will your father say?” You’d hear things like “There are men in the house.”

SO WHAT?!

Stop enabling nonsense. The world does not revolve around men. It is not a child’s job to make men feel comfortable. How do you tell a MINOR their clothes might send the wrong message to their grandfather? What message is that aunty? When did pieces of fabric on a young female’s body become a net that catches prey?

Why pray tell should a pre-teen care what her father will think of her attire? Children especially girls are trained, conditioned and hardwired to live in fear of their male relatives from the moment they are born. They are taught that they should hide their bodies because they entice men.

Female relatives are usually the reason behind this fear. I hope you do not misunderstand me as I am fully aware of what atrocities are committed with each passing day: fathers violating their newborns and siblings pinning each other down after dark but that is not the point of my message today. There’s not enough cloth in the world to stop a predator.

Stop enabling disgusting behaviour in your households. The minute a male relative looks at your daughter/sibling with lust-filled eyes, nip it in the bud. Khaba lenja! (Kick that dog to the curb!) I know this is an impossible feat considering how you women love to look the other way because “abantu bazothini” (what will people say?) What will it take for you to open your eyes? How a child dresses is not the problem. Would you like to have your daughter raped before your eyes in her Catholic school uniform? Will you be convinced then? Don’t even get me started on certain Christian parents’ abo-Deputy Jesus who still act surprised when they hear stories of rape within the family despite dressing their kiddos in floor length clothing 24/7.

If you ever ask a kid to go and change the clothes they feel comfortable in because a male relative has arrived then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. I’m sorry that this isn’t written by a man because maybe then you would have taken me seriously.

Instead of teaching your daughters to refrain from wearing clothes that accentuate their features, talk to them about bottom barrel individuals that like to take what is not theirs. Make it easy for them to come and talk to you should anything sinister happen under your roof. Most importantly act swiftly once an injustice has been reported. If all of that fails then maybe you could try put warning signs on all the paedophiles in your family with the label “QAPHELA! INGOZI! DANGER!”

Children especially AFRICAN children are not allowed to express themselves and God forbid they have an opinion, how they dress themselves especially at home is their way of doing just that. Society crucifies us for our fashion choices as it is, don’t bring that negativity into the safe haven that is their home.

Okay so what did we learn today folks?:

  • Practice letting your child wear anything they are comfortable and confident in at home.
  • Give the kids age-appropriate sex education
  • Teach your children both male and female about the dangers of the outside world and how it can sometimes creep into households.
  • Pay attention when a child feels uncomfortable around a certain family member.
  • And for Pete’s sake lock that pervert out the house (P.S. I don’t care that you’ve been married for 15 years, he belongs in the wilderness with the rest of the predators)
  • Report all crimes of child abuse no matter who the family member is.

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