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body issues and sex

Relationships

Sexual Emancipation for Bigger Women

by Thembi Terry
written by Thembi Terry

I was on Twitter when I bumped into a tweet about how full figured women struggle with being naked during sex. I had never considered this or thought about it because I’ve just always had my body issues even though I’m not exactly full figured but I did some research on the matter and I have thoughts.

Yeah, this one is for my b- with a fat a- in the f- club like a Nicki Minaj song

When we speak about fat shaming we hardly ever discuss some of the fat shaming that happens in terms of the bedroom. This is usually so embarrassing that the scars and the repercussions of it are hidden away in the women’s psyche, in her self-esteem and in her memory. The fatshaming that happens online goes straight to their self-esteem and the insecurities start to show up in the bedroom. Now women are unable to be comfortable in their own naked skin with another person in the room just because of your horrible tweets.

I had a friend of mine ask me if she if I thought she smells bad and I was like why would you think you smell bad? Why would you ask me that? And she said it’s because of the general stereotype that fat women stink. And I was like no you don’t smell bad and I’m sorry that this affected you so much that you felt you should come and seek clarification about how you smell.

Sex is for everyone except children. The fact that we hardly ever see love scenes even in just general movies that include bigger women is disturbing. This says a lot about the lack of representation for full figured women. I think it’s rooted in the flawed ideology that big women are lazy, they don’t exercise and you automatically assume that they won’t be active in bed just because they’re bigger. Contrary to your inflammatory beliefs, there are a wide range of reasons why a woman would be bigger and laziness is not even the top reason. There are big women that are more fit than skinny girls.

We see the #ThickThighsSaveLives but we forget that thick thighs can come with rolls, pot belly and flab. The problem here is that too many people have been brainwashed by the slimthick Instagram baddies who have risked their lives to get plastic surgery for those impossible, improper-fraction, disproportionate body features. In the lyrics of Big Sean, “how your waist anorexic but yet your ass is colossal?” Yes, how Sway? Normal women can’t have their cake and eat it. They can’t afford plastic surgery. Why slam them for it?

 

If you find yourself in bed with someone who you can’t get naked with, he is not the one Sis. Sex is about being free and vulnerable. You won’t enjoy it if you are caught up in your insecurities. Find yourself someone who appreciates you for who you are. He is not doing you a favour by having sex with you. Let him know it’s an honor and a privilege to be in your presence. A pot belly still gives good loving.

The exclusion of big women from the sex industry also seeps into the lingerie industry. Miriam C. R. Mushaikwa blogged about it here. It is laborious to try and find lingerie for bigger women. It’s almost as if they don’t exist or they don’t like nice things.

What can you do?

If you’re a fuller bodied queen, and you’ve been struggling with your body, I’m sorry you had to go through that turmoil. You are beautiful. As you try to conquer your issues, try and spend more time looking at your naked self in the mirror. Make peace with who you are and appreciate all your wonder. Once you master this, no one can take your peace from you. You can also start journaling to make sense of your limiting beliefs. Journaling helps you to get to the bottom of your self-esteem issues. Write about some of the slurs that you’ve heard, how did they make you feel? Bury that hatchet and create new positive affirmations to replace the limiting beliefs.

 

 

 

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